The 'Britionary'

Note to self: When talking to American friends/colleagues, never, EVER say: “I’m just popping out for a fag…”

While my English friends will understand the true meaning of this sentence, people here will take an entirely different meaning from it.

And believe me, it’s not good.

Not a day passes when I – as a Brit – seem to say something which is deemed to be a). ridiculous; b). hilarious; or c). just plain weird.

For the past nine months living and working here in San Diego I’ve been a constant source of entertainment – which probably explains why I’m on TV.

Language is the very glue which holds society together.

Without it, things break down, so you have to adjust.

And I, hosting not one but two TV shows to an American audience, have had to adapt to survive.

It’s no good looking the part if no-one actually understands you right?

I must admit, I rarely get recognized out and about in San Diego but when I do those people often say something along the lines of “that’s that guy on the TV that talks weird...”

I can’t tell you how annoying it is, day-after-day, to be told that the way I talk, write or spell is “wrong”.

I’m a journalist – an award-winning one at that. I’ve been writing articles for like 16 years so I’m used to having my copy edited for print.

I’m not ‘wrong’ in the way I communicate, I just do so differently.

And I’m not just talking about the way I communicate in work. It’s at the supermarket, it’s in the phone store, it’s on the bus, it’s in a bar or in a Subway. It’s everywhere.

Sometimes I feel like pointing out that the ‘English’ language originally came from… (I’ll give you a clue – it wasn’t Mississippi).

But then of course I’d come across as being a typical Englishman thinking I’m better than the rest.

*swimming against the tide here pal.
Anyhow, like I said... I've had to adapt and incorporate certain 'Americanisms' into my own language.
So if you do notice me stumbling from time to time while reading the news, you'll understand that it's because I'm saying words I've never said before, in an order I've never said them!

It seems even my keyboard which I’m typing this very blog on, is against me.

With each new sentence or word it wants to correct me because it thinks the English words I’m writing are meant to be spelt in the American-English way.

Grr.

Living and working in the U.S. is just not easy for a foreigner.

The British and the Americans are very similar, but we’re very different at the same time.

Everything I’ve ever known is almost the same… it’s just called something different or it’s labeled differently.

Here they have ‘T.J. Maxx’, not ‘TK Maxx’ as we know it.
'Nike' is pronounced 'Nikee'.

Firefighters ‘put down’ flames rather than ‘put them out’.
A house isn't 'burgled' here, it's 'burglarised'.
'Bangs' is a 'fringe' (as in hair).
A 'gas station' is the equivalent of our 'petrol station'.

An 'ATM' is a cash machine. 'ATM' is also... oh... never mind.
A 'cell phone' is a 'mobile phone'.
The date is written in a way that has the month FIRST rather than the actual day's date.
More often than not the Americans seem to pronounce them ‘vee-hickles’ rather than simply ‘vehicles’.

The term ‘scrummage’ in rugby is called ‘scrimmage’ in American football.

A hashtag, or ‘#’, is known as the ‘pound sign’ when of course we British know the ‘pound sign’ as being !@#$%^&*()_ - nope, my keyboard doesn’t actually have the pound sign installed as a key.

Another thing I’ve learned about our U.S. cousins is that they simply don’t understand the concept of ‘mushy’ peas.

“So… they are peas that have been flattened and ‘mushed’ up right?”

Um, yes… I guess.

“Why not just buy normal peas and flatten them with a fork?”

They’re not the same.

“Why?”

You know, I just don’t know.

In the States people also measure weight in pounds.

This led to a rather bizarre, but funny, conversation last month when someone asked me what we British weigh ourselves in.

“Stones,” I said.

“You actually weigh yourselves in STONES?!”

Er… not the stones you’re thinking of mate… we have progressed a little since the Stone Age.

I can imagine that the move to the States a few years ago suited David Beckham more than most as he never really had a grip on the English language in the first place...

Oof.

"Our problem is our ignorance," an American colleague told me.

"Living in the 'United States of America' we don’t really need to adapt. Generally we all talk the same… We're just not really used to looking anywhere else but within.

"We don't generally deal with anyone else. And that makes us ignorant."

We laughed and joked about it, but he's ultimately right.

And the same can be said for the English.

In one of his celebrated shows the British comedian, Eddie Izzard, made light of the fact that the English are known to travel abroad to places like Spain and France and simply talk ‘English’ expecting the local people to understand and reply.

Of course when the local people don’t understand, the English response is typically “well, you’re just not trying are you…?”

In a bid poke a little fun at my own expense, and to educate a few people over here, I invented the ‘Britionary’ a little while ago.

We did a whole series of them on U-T TV.

Here are a few:
- www.youtube.com/watch?v=znjs_lkw_Ho
- www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSF_8110DQU
- www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6De7kWlIEk
- www.youtube.com/watch?v=wR7kpqlQZBE

As frustrating as this language barrier can be, it is - like I said - a constant source of amusement as I and my American pals learn from each other.

There is also no end to banter, especially after a few drinks.

Cheers!

Or Salute!

Or bottoms up!

Or whatever the hell it's referred to here.

Happy new year everyone.

Twitter: @tristan_nichols

Comic-Con - home of the brave (and the geek)

WHEN you glance up from performing your, um… business... at the men’s urinals at Comic-Con, I can tell you that the immediate view takes on an almost Mos Eisley Space Port-type feel.

Momentarily forgetting where you are, you’re suddenly reminded when you realize you’re standing next to Darth Vader, Boba Fett, an ewok, and other familiar faces from your favourite sci-fi and super-hero films.

All have moved their plastic cod-pieces to one side to pee, and stand silent conducting their call of nature.

One can only imagine the scene in the Death Star canteen – as comedienne Eddie Izzard pointed out… there “MUST” have been one right?

Bizarre.

My first ever experience of the world’s largest comic book, video game and movie expo has been one to remember for countless reasons – the bathroom experience of course being one.

Being new to the U.S. and of course San Diego, a lot of things are new to me – Comic-Con being one.

I now live a stone’s throw away from the Convention Centre where’s it’s staged.

I’m sure 10 months out of the year the venue is quiet and largely ignored. But for these four days while Comic-Con is on, it’s the home of the great and good, the geeks and of course, their ‘geek-chic’.

It’s the one time of the year when a casually or smartly dressed person looks out of place, and looks like the ‘weirdo’ in the room.

Of course, being a die-hard Star Wars fan, when I discovered that I had been assigned to cover the event, I rubbed my hands with glee.

This was my moment; this was my magic moment.

You see, I see life as a giant tick list.

I’ve been lucky enough to land a Latin fiancée; a TV career; I live in California; and now I get to dress as a Storm Trooper – and get paid to do so.

Okay, yes I’m smug and I'm wearing my chufty badge with pride.

Rather than take the piss out of me, Jacks encourages such behaviour.

“You’ve never done that before?!” Jacks asked me genuinely surprised.

Not until now.

For four days I can dress like a complete pillock, and I have the pleasure of my boss congratulating me for doing so.

Awesome.

Let's not let the silly little Galactic War get in the way of our new-found friendship...

Chef Vader - Sith Lord of the Barbecue

Geek-chic is definitely the underlining theme of Comic-Con.
In a three-hour stretch I saw enough make-up, hair extensions and plastic to rival Pamela Anderson’s wardrobe.

Batman, Poison Ivy, Thor, Captain America, Mulder and Scully, a ‘hot’ Sherlock Holmes, Breaking Bad’s Walter White, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Boba Fett and Darth Vader of course, Jedis and even Transformers were all represented in a big way.

The Americans are not known for holding back, and this is the moment for these geeks to shine.

When asked what they look forward to most at the annual show, most say they look forward to dressing up, and being the ‘geek’ they usually hide away from view.

One mentioned he was just pleased to show off his mum’s talents making his Viking costume – said Arnold, aged 37.

The stars of the big screen also endorse and encourage such behaviour.

The first day of Comic-Con saw appearances from Mulder and Scully (David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson) from The X-Files; and Data (Brent Spiner) and Worf (Michael Dorn) from Star Trek: The Next Generation, among others.

They largely turn up for signing sessions.

No photography allowed, and a ticket to meet and gain a signed picture of Scully for instance set you back $60 (£40).

Pretty harsh for someone to pay so much for someone who was a star 20 years ago.

A Warner Bros signing event at Comic-Con

Some big-hitters are also in town tonight.

Arnie and Sylvester Stallone are hosting a night previewing their new movie ‘Escape’ at a downtown cinema.

Bizarrely funds for marketing the movie appear to have dried up as invitations for the ‘special fan screening’ were printed on photocopied red A4 paper.
Not quite the mass PR campaign of their heyday.

Not much of a marketing budget then...?

Apparently George Clooney is in town tomorrow or Saturday, as well as Simon Pegg, and cast members from Dexter, Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones and other huge HBO shows.
Red carpets are appearing all over town, as well as stretched limos and the security guys who walk round with one finger constantly in their ear almost like they've been the victim of a joke involving super glue.

The actors, producers and directors host a series of special ‘panels’ at Comic-Con which are open to ticket or ‘badge’, holders to attend.

Often 10 or 15 minutes of the big blockbuster releases are previewed during for the event.

Last year audience members saw 15 minutes of the new Superman movie.

Pity it was shit really.

These panels are apparently the events to be at during Comic-Con.

We’ll be hoping to catch one or two tomorrow. And we'll see if we can snag an interview with a star or two.

However, we won’t be paying $60 for the privilege.

Of course alongside the panels and celeb meet-and-greets are the booths and stands where the geeks can have their picture taken next to a piece of plywood which featured somewhere in Thor.
These booths also offer the chance for people to spend $500 or some insane amount of money on a shiny piece of plastic or a mask.

And these geeks queue - sorry, line up - for hours... literally HOURS.

I have to admit I have spent a fair bit of money in the last few years on nostalgic pieces such as Generation 1 Transformers, but these geeks are something else.

I dare you... engage one in conversation about why a My Little Pony is worth $350, or why a bobble-head doll is worth $100.

Seriously, these guys are onto something. Apparently these things can sell for three or four times the original amount in just a few years.

Who would know?

Comic-Con in full flow

Alongside all that are countless exhibits and stands from the likes of LucasFilm, Warner Bros, Sony, Hasbro, Marvel, 20th Century Fox, Lego, and DC Entertainment.

High-five

In a carbon-hydrate cage of emotion

It’s fair to say that this city, national and indeed international event, is not so much a big, but MASSIVE deal.
"It's bigger than the Oscars," a local photographer told me last night.
"The Oscars is one day, this runs over four."
The 130,000+ tickets to this year's event sold out in one-and-a-half hours. Apparently tickets for next year's July event - which has already been booked and confirmed - go on sale this weekend.

I get it now. And I’m not going to waste a single second enjoying myself - even if someone asks: “aren’t you a little short to be a Storm Trooper…?”