YOU know, most of the more interesting and funny moments
of my new life in Mexico have happened around the dinner table.
Telling my girlfriend’s mother that I was feeling ‘horny’
when I meant to say I was feeling ‘hot’ (due to the sun) is a moment which
those in attendance will never let me forget.
Another standout moment has got to be when numerous
members of Jacky’s family tried to teach me to roll my R’s to get the perfect
Spanish accent.
The sound that came out of my mouth was not a rolled ‘R’,
it was more like the sound of a bee slowly dying (probably of embarrassment).
Having five or six people rolling R’s at me at the same
time in perfect harmony was one of the most surreal moments of my life.
“It’s easy!” Jacky told me.
“Er... it’s really not,” I replied.
It is one of the most difficult things I have ever tried
to learn. And now I am so self conscious of doing it wrong and simply making a
noise at someone, that I can’t possibly EVER try it again.
I don’t understand how people can wake up one day knowing
how to do it.
I’ve even tried googling it to find a video tutorial. To
be honest the comments – mainly from half-wit Americans – are more
entertaining.
So yes, I’m trying new things. I’m eating different food,
I’m exploring new places, and I’m learning a new language (well, new for me).
An Englishman here in Tijuana (known as ‘TJ’) is a
rarity.
And to say I stand out like a sore thumb is a massive
understatement.
My skin colour is different, my accent is weird, and I’m literally
about three feet taller than your average Mexican.
I stand head and shoulders above everyone. When I’m in a
supermarket I peer out over the aisles like the Statue of Liberty gazing out
over Manhattan’s ant population.
Jacky bought me a pair of boots as a welcoming gift and,
while the size and length of the boots are fine, they are so narrow that I’m
sure the daintiest British tinkerbell supermodel would have a job squeezing
into them.
I now honestly believe that I – like many men who derive
from the West Country – have ‘pasty’ feet.
Such has been the intensity of people’s stares here that
they’ve nearly walked out into traffic.
I, more often than not, smile politely and say ‘hola’.
I’m not sure exactly what people expect me to say, but they
often look bemused and give me a look to suggest ‘wow... it speaks’.
It’s strange being in a foreign land. And my foreign mind
works in strange ways.
Wherever I am, somewhere in the chasms of my brain I
immediately look for an indication of where the next toilet is. You know, just
in case nature calls.
Last week Jacky and a contact of hers took me to a kind
of TJ chamber of commerce event.
It was a weekly update for a huge expo style event called
‘Tijuana Innovadora’ going on over here in October.
It will undoubtedly be a big deal as they’ve lined up the
co-founder of Apple as well as many other important speakers from the US and
Mexico.
The event is all about celebrating TJ and its relations and
standing with the world.
So unbeknown to me, my attendance at last week’s event – as
an (award-winning... well, I can say that now right?!) English journalist – was
seen as a ‘big deal’.
I walked into a room of around 100 people and people
stopped talking and stared.
You know like the classic scene in a Western when the stranger
character walks into the saloon?
People stopped sipping their coffee, they fixed eyes on
me, the guy in the back stopped playing the piano... (okay, there was no piano
player but you get the gist).
The next thing I know someone thrust a microphone into my
hand and signalled for me to introduce myself.
I spoke some Spanish, I spoke some English, and I spoke
something which is a cross between the two incorporating hand movements and weird
facial expressions.
And I got a round
of applause. Oh, and then everyone started dancing. Honestly.
I must have said something right? Right? People even wanted their pictures taken with me.
In that single moment I felt like I’d
announced my arrival to potential future employers.
So watch this space.
At the weekend I also encountered something else which
was new and weird in equal measure.
We drove past a hardware store (TJs equivalent to
B&Q) and there was a large group of men shouting at the passing vehicles.
It turns out that these men were actually plumbers and
electricians who were plying for trade.
Yellow Pages? Facebook group? Who needs em. Just shout loudly
at your potential customers!
Personally I wouldn’t want to employ someone who scared
the living cr*p out of me but hey, when in Rome... or Mexico.
It got me thinking that maybe I should just massively over
pronounce my R’s and growl at people to show that I’m actually trying?
Hmmmm... maybe not.
