A taxing situation...

IN A FEW weeks I might well be flying over to San Diego.

No, not for a holiday – but to file my taxes.

‘Are you loco?’ I can hear you asking now.

Well, what else do you do to prevent yourself breaking the law?

My thinking is that it will hopefully prevent me from becoming an ‘enemy of the states (aka ‘United States’).

My attempts to resolve the biggest pain in the ass I’ve ever known has resulted in this – me seriously contemplating spending £800+ just to receive a maximum of £400 back from the US Government.

 “You have a legal obligation to file your taxes,” one cock-sure-of-himself London-based ‘tax professional’ mentioned to me last week.

“Sure, and I’m pretty sure stealing from an individual is also a crime,” I replied.

That was after he suggested I pay HIM £750 for filing a State tax return – which cost me around £75 to complete last year in San Diego.

Yeh, you do the math buddy and tell me who’s the crook here…?

This whole situation has come about after I spent 12 months working in the great US of A between 2013 and 2014.

When I began working in San Diego, California, I decided to pay the maximum amount of tax possible.

The thinking – at the time – was that the more I paid, the more I’d get back at the end of the financial year in the tax return.

A sort of ‘well done me’ for saving money, I considered.

Yes, on reflection now, it’s not the advice I should have taken at the time.

In short the US Government owes me roughly $4,000 (£2,500).

And it seems it won’t give it back lightly.

If someone, or some organization, owes you money, you ask for it back.

And therein lies the problem.

I’m now in the UK trying to ask for the money back using the Inland Revenue Service or ‘IRS’ medium of a ‘tax return’.

The snag is that the US Government makes it so difficult to file said return, you end up fast losing your mind trying to do so.

Somehow I managed to use a piece of free software to file the ‘federal’ return.

Did I do it right? God knows.

I just have to wait until the IRS – (fingers crossed) writes me a letter or emails me otherwise.

Another annoyance right now is whether I file for an ‘extension of time’.

I’ve already filed the federal tax return, but what if it’s wrong? If I don’t get an extension do I lose out?! Will people get confused if I apply for an extension when I’ve already filed the return?

The hilarity in all this is the ridiculous use of the English language by the IRS.

The form is referred to as an ‘Application for Automatic Extension of Time to File U.S. Individual Income Tax Return’.

Surely if it was ‘automatic’ you wouldn’t need to apply for it in the first place…?!

Anyhow, I digress.

So yes, the ‘federal’ return is in the post ahead of the April 15^th deadline.

And that leaves me to file the ‘State’ tax return – the California state tax return.

Put simply, the State return is only a couple of pages to fill out. The problem is that I don’t actually know how to fill it in.

It’s in American-English, which to you and I in the UK is otherwise known as ‘gibberish’ or ‘gobble-dee-gook’.

‘Name and address…’ sure.

‘California adjustments – subtractions. Enter the amount from Schedule CA (540NR), line 37, column B…’ um, que?

Someone who knows what they’re doing would take the official tax documents sent to me from the State, enter a few figures, and bang three minutes later all done.

But of course, it’s not as easy as that is it? It never is.

The firm I used in the US last year to file, can’t file if I now live overseas.

And the State of California won’t let me even register on its website to file them online direct, again because I live overseas.

“Thank you for visiting the Franchise Tax Board (FTB) website.

“A nonresident is currently unable to use CalFile to file a California income tax return,” Alisha on Station 2115 handily emailed me.

Gracias.

In fact, the software which I used to file my federal return can’t file my State return because it requires me to have a US bank account, and a US bank card.

When I left the States I closed my account because I refused to pay a monthly fee for something which I’d use once in 12 months.

Oh wait, the best part…? Some ‘tax professional’ in London quoted me £750 to file the State return – even though I’ll only get back a maximum of £400.

“But you do realize you have a legal obligation…”

Oh do fuck off.

Trying to work out how to do all this incenses me so much I’ve been physically shaking with anger at times in the last six weeks.

How can people actually get away with this? How can this be right?

If it’s a criminal act to not pay your taxes surely it’s also a criminal act to harass and threaten a law-abiding taxpayer with legal consequences even when they’re trying to do the right thing.

A colleague asked me today why I’d even bother writing a blog post about all this.

“Does anyone really care?” they asked.

Well for a start, I care.

Writing this actually helps me to put this crazy situation into some perspective.

It also reassures me that the people I’m dealing with really are a bunch of numpties.

Also I’m pretty sure that somewhere down the line, this blog post will find some tired eyes looking for a distant light at the end of the black hole that is the US tax system.

If it helps them, even slightly, then this public outpouring of frustration will have all been worth it.

I’ve asked for help from supposed ‘friends’ in the US, but aside from offering up the ‘but your tax return is so easy to file…’ pearls of wisdom, they’re about as useful as a chocolate fireguard.

What do people say…? The question’s easy if you know the answer.

Well, I’m lost.

Anyone got any ideas/suggestions/ibuprofen?

Twitter: @tristan_nichols

England - fit for a Queen (and Jacks of course)

‘THE PLACE where fairies and castles live’ is how Jacky referred to England before we visited.

Thanks largely to the landscape, the people – and of course the small matter of THE proposal – she now refers to the motherland as simply ‘Fairytale-land’.

It’s only when you look at something through the eyes of someone else that you truly appreciate what you’re looking at.

It’s like staring at a piece of art which you normally wouldn’t give a second glance to.

If the artist or art expert is standing next to you telling you about the intricate detail of the piece, you’ll soon appreciate the effort which went into creating it in the first place.

And so earlier this month I took on the role of host for our whistle-stop tour of Devon, Cornwall and London.

To say I am an expert tour guide is an understatement only equal in size to Big Ben.

I think I learned more about England in two weeks than I did from living there for 34 and a bit years.

In order to give Jacky the best overview I had to do some serious swatting up.

By the time I’d read most travel websites on London I thought I was pretty up to speed.

Devon and Cornwall?! Pfah. That’s been my backyard for over three decades, I know as much as anyone would need to know surely?

Epic fail on all counts.

Jacks: Why do the ponies live here [on Dartmoor]?

Me: Um… because they can afford the rent...? Oh, um, er… pass.

Jacks: Why do they serve fish and chips with wooden forks?

Me: Because... oh b*llocks, I don't know. Pass.

Jacks: Where are we right now?

Me: Central London.

Jacks: Where?

Me: Um… somewhere between Leicester Square, Notting Hill and Picadilly Circus.

Jacks: You don’t know do you..?

Me: Have you ever seen a real pigeon?

Jacks: Where are all the English people in London?

Me: Very good question. Hmmmm… pass.

Jacks: Why is it called ‘Boxing’ Day?

Me: Because… of… the... fights which take place on December 26^th? Ok, pass.

Jacks: How old is that building?

Me: Which one?

Jacks: That one. Points at castle-type building in very Central London.

Me: Very old.

Jacks: How old?

Me: Bugger. I don’t even know what that place is.

Jacks: Isn’t that the Tower of London?

Me: Of course it is, I was just playing with you. Um, have you ever seen a real pigeon?!

So now I think we’re both pretty clued up on England.

Returning to England with my Mexican treasure on my arm was the stuff of dreams for me.

Her meeting some of my friends and family was insanely lovely.

And as I mentioned, taking in some of the sights – especially in London – was a unique experience for both of us.

I’m constantly amazed at how old many of the buildings are. You feel like you’re walking through the pages of an encyclopedia.

I’ve been to London plenty of times but only really for certain events. You know, a concert, a birthday, a West End show.

This trip was different. The aim was to cram as much into four days as possible – without us both needing a holiday after taking a holiday when we returned to Mexico.

And we certainly did as much as I think anyone could have.

Big Ben and big red bus - check!

In no particular order we visited The Houses of Parliament, The Tower of London, The London Eye, Leicester Square, Trafalgar Square, Piccadilly Circus, Notting Hill, Camden Town, Harrods and Knightsbridge, Buckingham Palace (twice), London Bridge, The Natural History Museum, The Victoria & Albert Museum, and Abbey Road to name just a few places.

Our visit to The Natural History Museum was of particular note when I mentioned that the 'casts' which Jacky was looking at were in fact real dinosaur fossils dating back millions of years.

Don't look now but I think we're being followed...

CCTV in London has undergone a major upgrade

One of the museum's education displays, with its fun house mirrors, also raised a few smiles.

Does my bum look big in this...?

My offer to take Jacks to the world-famous Abbey Road was also comical. When I asked I was met with an enthusiastic "yeh..." only for me to ask her if she knew what it was and for her to reply just as enthusiastically "no...".
She soon got the picture (literally).

Walk this way

When you’re showing someone around who has never seen it all before you can’t help but feel pride in what they are witnessing and experience.

London is beautiful, historic and crazy all in equal measure.

And I felt like bursting at the seams hearing Jacks quite literally cooing at the visual delights – made all the more beautiful donned with tinsel and Christmas lights.

So are any of you planning a trip to England in the near future?

If you are then you might find the forthcoming paragraphs useful with regard to must-see locations and info/prices/web addresses and contact details.

While many attractions such as The Natural History Museum (www.nhm.ac.uk) are free to visit, there are a great many other paid-for attractions which simply have to be on any visitors’ list.

One of these is The London Eye (www.londoneye.com / tickets from £17.01) which will obviously now always hold a special place in our hearts.

It’s 135 metres in height (roughly equivalent to 64 iconic red telephone boxes) and it offers stunning panoramic views across London.

Big Ben? Pfah... not from here

The London Eye group is also now offering 40-minute sight-seeing river cruises down The Thames (Adults from £11.25) with live commentary.

I’ve personally never sailed down the Thames so this gave me a truly different perspective to London.

The tour guides are also nearly, ahem, as knowledgeable as me and they have plenty of facts and figures which will entertain the seasoned London-goer.

Oh and when visiting this area of London keep your eyes peeled for a celebrity or two. Batman director Christopher Nolan was spotted taking in the sights with his family around the attraction during our visit.

The Tate Britain (www.tate.org.uk) which houses the UK’s collection of British art from 1500 to the present day, as well as special exhibitions and events is also worth a few hours’ of your time.

As is The Royal Observatory Greenwich (www.rmg.co.uk) which is the home of the Prime Meridian of the World, and London’s only planetarium.

Also if you’re looking for accommodation in the capital and – like we were – you’re on a tight budget, you’d be simply mad not to consider checking out The Umi Hotel in Notting Hill (www.umihotellondon.co.uk / tel: +44 (0) 207 221 9131).

Management here boast that there’s ‘no need’ to shop anywhere else on the web as they boast the cheapest prices.

It’s a 3* independent hotel and it has won several top awards and has been listed in The Telegraph’s Top 50 Budget Hotels.

It’s also super-conveniently located between three tube stations (Notting Hill, Bayswater and Queensgate), it’s minutes away from the West End, and it’s really close to Portobello Road famed for its market and Hyde Park.

Oh, and the staff are really nice and they serve a truly mean Americano coffee.

With us now back in the land of tacos it’s good to know the English can work some true magic, and that it’s still seen as being part of ‘Great’ Britain by new visitors from afar.

Homeward bound

SO blimey, today marks the 159th day since I arrived in Tijuana, Mexico.

In that time I’ve consumed roughly 156 Mexican meals (for the record the missing being MacDonald’s and Burger King); experienced approximately 60 upset tummies from over-exposure to chili; witnessed 158.5 days of sunshine; and spent 0 days regretting the decision to come here in the first place.

Today also marks the countdown to me flying back to England – with a certain Iliana Jaqueline Pantoja in tow.

In 17 days Jacky will experience a). what real ‘cold’ weather is; b). what ‘real’ rain is; and c). why the English moan about the weather all the time.

It will be the first time that Jacky has met my parents and friends, and the first time she will have been to England, or indeed Europe.

And the best part? It’s Christmas!

When I’ve asked her how she imagines England, Jacky’s simply replies “fairies and castles”.

Well, being part-Cornish, and 100 per cent a West Country boy, I can definitely provide evidence of the castles.

But fairies… hmmm… is Zeros still open in Plymouth?!

Coming home with Jacky will be the most amazing experience for me. To show off the most amazing thing I’ve ever discovered on my travels will be well, perfect.

When I first met Jacky’s dad, Pedro, I told him about my background, and the fact that I’m a descendant of Sir Francis Drake (true story by the way).

He jokingly replied: “Well, piracy is obviously in your blood… coming over here to Mexico and stealing the treasure”.

When I first mentioned my intention to simply up sticks and move to Mexico I’m sure most people thought I’d finally lost the plot. More than a few eyebrows were raised.

But here I am with proof of my sanity. You’ll see. (Unless of course I’ve been living out a sort of Edward Norton in Fightclub scenario for the past six months!)

Life is for living. And I guess sometimes you have to go somewhere to really come back home.

Anyway the prospect of introducing Jacks to my world puts a huge grin on my face.

Just imagine… “That’s right Jacky… here is a meal WITHOUT chili”.

In a way I wish I could see all that the ‘Great’ Britain has to offer for the first time too.

When you consider it, there is no place like it.

It has so much history it’s bursting at the seams. In fact, I think I have cutlery at home which is older than American civilization.

Great Britain also has the variety too. I mean, look at the weather for a start…

Then there’s the beaches, the historic cities, the moorland, the highlands and lowlands, the legends, the tales, Led Zeppelin, the Queen... it has it all and more.

You could easily spend a month in London alone visiting all the tourist attractions and sights.

And we have three days or so to cram everything into our visit to the capital.

The vast majority of the 2.5 week trip will be spent in and around home in Devon and Cornwall.

We’re planning to visit the beaches of North Cornwall, castles in around Tintagel, Looe, Polperro, Dartmoor and Plymouth Hoe to name a few sites.

I’d like to take her to Stonehenge too simply because it’s magical.

Hey, if anyone has any suggestions please drop me a line!

Oh, and the food experience...

So strangely enough Jacks hasn’t heard of a ‘pasty’. Or ‘fish and chips’, or in fact ‘shepherd’s pie’, an ‘Indian takeaway’, or even ‘chicken kievs’.

Is that unusual? No, not really. She’s from a different world to me.

But even my mouth is watering at the thought of all the food we can eat, with her trying the vast majority of it for the first time.

So right now Jacky is mulling over what to pack.

You know how we English get when we’re packing for a ‘summer’ holiday?

“How many jumpers do I need to pack?!” - regardless of the fact that we know the climate in Egypt/Spain is not wooly jumper weather.

Well, Jacky is currently asking herself the same question… knowing that no amount will be too little.

“How many jumpers do you own?” has been my answer.

A few wardrobe 'options'

Regardless of the time of year, Jacky sleeps underneath three blankets and duvets at night.

Girls feel the cold more than boys. And Jacky, it seems, is no exception.

It’s safe to say she’s nervous about the whole trip – most of all meeting my mum and dad.

And by the sounds of it I think my mum is also nervous at the prospect.

“Well, what does she eat?” is a recurring question.

Food mum. Food. In fact, see aforementioned food types.

They’ve met on Skype but it’s not quite the same is it?

I mean, in real life Jacks isn’t pixelated. And she doesn’t sound like Stephen Hawking.

So yes… fun times. I might well ask her to write a blog about her experiences.

Few things are guaranteed in life but these: England will be cold, and it will be wet.

But hey, it’s Christmas!!!

While we’re away Mexico will remain hot. Today it’s still around the 26-degree mark which just feels plain weird when you see Christmas decorations being put up around the city.

Christmas trees now on sale at Mexican supermarkets.

Anyhow, drastic change of subject…

How cool is this?

I was sat in the garden one day last week when I looked down and saw something peculiar sticking out of the earth.

Well, I might well be wrong but I’m 99 per cent sure I picked up a Neanderthal Stone Age stone spearhead.

Straight to the point... it's pretty old

The edges are serrated, the point is sharp, and it has chip marks on it where it has obviously been fashioned. I Googled it and it states it could well be 200,000 years old.

We live on a new housing estate which was built on displaced land, so it’s entirely logical to find something like this.

How awesome though? Reminds you that we’re not the first to live our lives here.

We’re just tourists in time.