Customer (Dis)Service

SO... as many of you may have gleaned from my last blog post… the last few weeks have been anything but easy.

What with dealing with losing my job, selling all our possessions, moving out of our apartment, applying for a visa for Jacks (I’ll write about that little chestnut next), and filing taxes and dealing with the IRS among other things it’s fair to say my recent abundance of grey hairs now boast grey hairs themselves.

All we’ve really needed in the last few weeks to sort everything out has been some clarity. Some black and white. Some light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

But you know when you’re down, life has a funny way of well… kicking you in the balls and reminding you that things can always get worse.

They say bad luck comes in threes. We’re now into multiples of threes.

As well as dealing with all the above we’ve had to deal with… how shall I put it…? Hmmm… a bunch of ‘numpties’ I guess would sum them up.

It seems that if there’s one thing you can count on in any country around the world, it’s the fact that a company’s ‘customer service’ department is really just a sort of modern-day oxymoron.

I.e. Oxymoron - a figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction.

We all face these trials and tribulations on a daily basis when we contact the phone company which has over-charged us for calls we in fact didn’t make; the bank which charged us for going overdrawn when in fact it was the bank charge itself which put us overdrawn in the first place; the newspaper company which failed to stop delivery of newspapers despite being told three times.

There’s almost some comfort in considering the fact that with every passing second of each minute of each hour in a day, you know you’re not alone in your frustration.

Many vent their anger on social media.

I’m choosing to do it here, on a blog which is now read in more than 30 countries around the world (okay, that was a blatant boast).

Why? Because I guess I hope that someone working in a ‘customer service’ centre somewhere will read it and decide to do their job properly for the sake of some poor person’s sanity.

Put simply you frustrated flock, I feel your pain.

San Diego, and the great ‘U S of A’ in general, boasts some amazing things.

However your ‘customer service’ is not among them.

So… Pearson – the world’s “leading international education and information company” take a bow son.

A few weeks ago I tried to establish whether a local San Diego branch of Pearson organizes and hosts English exams.

Why I hear you ask…? We’ll get to that in the next blog…

Anyhow, I digress.

After having no luck in finding anyone to pick up the phone at the local branch, I took the advice of a national Pearson *cough* ‘customer service representative’ whose inordinate ability to really help, went against everything her job role boasted.

Instead I tried their ‘live chat’ customer service (you know, the ones where you instant message someone, somewhere about something?)

And here’s how it went:

Chat start time – Mar 10, 2014 7:02:56 PM EST.

Chat end time – Mar 10, 2014 7:19:50 PM EST.

Duration (actual chatting time) -  00:16:54.

info: Please wait for a site operator to respond.

info: You are now chatting with 'Andy'

Andy: Thank you for contacting GED® Testing Service Live Chat. My name is Andy. How can I help you today?

Tristan: Hi Andy

Andy: ‪Hello Tristan.

Tristan: I'm in the process of applying for a 'spouse' visa for my Mexican wife so we can live and work in the UK

Tristan: The British government requires her to take an English exam... which your firm offers.

Tristan: We're looking at your website and clicking on the San Diego branch to look at dates, but it states that every single date for the rest of the year is booked!

info: Please wait while I transfer the chat to the best suited site operator.

info: You are now chatting with 'Angel'

Angel: Thank you for contacting Pearson VUE Live Chat. My name is Angel. How can I help you?

Tristan: Hi Angel

Tristan: See above

Angel: ‪Hello Tristan.

Tristan: I'm in the process of applying for a 'spouse' visa for my Mexican wife so we can live and work in the UK Tristan: The British government requires her to take an English exam... which your firm offers.

Tristan: We're looking at your website and clicking on the San Diego branch to look at dates, but it states that every single date for the rest of the year is booked!

Tristan: I think the website is broken. I've also tried calling the branch but no-one picks up.

Angel: ‪I'll be happy to assist you.

Angel: ‪Please give me a minute while I check the information for you.

Tristan: Great.

Tristan: This is the address: Pearson Professional Centers-San Diego (North) CA

Tristan: 11770 Bernardo Plaza Court Suite 463 Sunroad Financial Plaza San Diego, California 92128 United States

Angel: ‪Would you like me to check the dates for you?

Tristan: Yes, please.

Tristan: When I look it tells me that there are no available dates at all...

Angel: ‪Is this for your wife?

Tristan: Yes

Angel: ‪Is there any way you can get the candidate on chat with us?

Tristan: You mean my wife?

Tristan: Not right now.

Tristan: We simply want to know: a). if the branch is actually open; and b). if there are dates available.

Angel: ‪I am sorry, we are not authorized to verify the information from third party. Please tell the candidate to contact us back, I'd like to give an additional information, you can schedule the test only when the dates are available at the specific test center.

Angel: ‪No Issue, I'll check the dates for you.

Angel: ‪Please give me a minute.

Tristan: With all due respect Angel, how would you know if I am me/my wife given that we're typing on a keyboard.

Tristan: We just want to know if this location is actually offering the test!

Angel: ‪I'll check that for you.

Tristan: If not then we'll look to spend the money elsewhere.

Angel: ‪I apologize for the above statement but we are instructed to do so

Angel: ‪May I have the postal code?

Tristan: Could you simply tell me if the aforementioned site provides tests at that location?

Tristan: Test Center:Pearson Professional Centers-San Diego (North) CA Address: 11770 Bernardo Plaza Court Suite 463 Sunroad Financial Plaza San Diego, California 92128 United States

Angel: ‪Please tell me the exam name, so that I can check the dates.

Tristan: PTE Academic.

Angel: ‪Is this for PTE exam?

Angel: ‪This chat line is available for IBM testing services.

Tristan: What are you talking about?

Tristan: PTE Academic measures your English ability by testing your level of English through tasks which reflect real-life settings.

Angel: ‪I am unable to assist for PTE exam as I am not assigned for that. You have contacted to wrong chat line. This is for IBM testing services.

Tristan: Your colleague put you on...

Angel: ‪Please contact PTE exam live chat support.

Tristan: You are useless. I will not be using your company.

Sixteen minutes… SIXTEEN minutes… of useless information.

And what did I glean from this conversation?

Nothing (apart from the fact that both ‘Andy’ and ‘Angel’ are useless to Pearson and to mankind in general).

Yes, all this from a company which boasts the slogan: “Always learning”.

Clearly they should change their slogan to “Always learning (from our mistakes)”.

Also boasting the same level of uselessness is H&R Block which is widely used by people in the States to prepare and complete tax returns on your behalf.

I’d heard mixed reviews about them, but decided to give them a go as they were “professionals” – and admittedly I don’t have a clue about UK taxes – let alone US ones.

Having now gained some experience of working with them, they appear to be a network of muppets, staffed by interns.

It’s no wonder the IRS (Internal Revenue Service) is so ruthless in its penny/cent-pinching when you realize that organizations like H&R Block operate in the way they do.

Rarely have I lost my temper in SD.

However, rarely have I also been dealt with in such a dis-organized and gormless way as I did a few weeks ago.

I won’t bore you with all the detail but here are the highlights…

Booked appointment with branch ‘manager’ because we informed him that our case was “complicated” and “time sensitive” due to impending departure from US shores.

We arrived at branch to discover that all staff were running late and hadn’t opened the branch yet.

Having waited for a further ten minutes it became obvious that the manager wasn’t going to show.

I asked staff member to get him on the phone to see where he was.

H&R Block staff member: “He says he’s not coming in…”

Me: “Tell him to finish his f*cking cornflakes and get his ass in gear.”

H&R Block staff member: “He says he’s not coming in.”

Note: no apology.

Other H&R Block staff member: “I can help…”

Me: “Without sounding rude, you’ve just told my wife that you ‘only started two weeks ago’. We have a complicated case…”

Anyhow long story cut short… I paid them a huge amount of money and they filed it incorrectly.

Great. Another thing to sort out.

So yes, the last few weeks have been fun… Not.

I imagine the sensation of me pulling my teeth out with a pair of rusty pliers would give me the same glowing satisfaction.

Anyhow… rant over.

*grabs coffee and rizla to roll cigarette*.

Next up… applying for a UK visa.

Hope you’re all well peeps.

I have missed you.

Follow me on Twitter: @tristan_nichols

Paper trails

IN the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king. Or so they say.

And if you’re one of the few – if not the only – places in Tijuana selling rolling papers, you seem to have a license to print money.

Yes in this blog first there was the search for the holy kettle, then came the hunt for the red sauce, and this last week has seen me go on a quest for Rizla.

Needle in a haystack? More like trying to find a Mexican named ‘Frank’.

Listen I’m not proud of it but hey, I smoke.

Not a lot, but enough to miss it if I don’t have it. A bit like missing out on the first cup of coffee in the morning, or finding out that the cinema has run out of popcorn shortly before the start of a much-anticipated film.

So a few weeks ago I discovered I was not only running out of Golden Virginia tobacco, but also Rizlas, or rolling papers.

I guess there are tobacconists here selling baccie – mainly for pipes – so that’s never been a huge issue. GV is replaceable until I can get back to the UK to buy some.

But without rolling papers you can’t roll a cigarette.

You can’t simply grab the nearest copy of El Mexicano and use the Chinese art of folding.

And I’m sure as hell not buying a pipe.

Sure, I could have ordered some papers online for delivery but I didn’t realise I was running out until I ran out. And besides, if I order now I probably won’t see a delivery before Christmas knowing the postal service.

And so began the hunt for papers.

“No biggie” I thought.

Wrong.

A couple of days after running out I popped into two general liquor stores to ask for ‘rolling papers’.

Well, I say ‘ask’ for rolling papers. I simply said ‘tienes?’ (you have?) and then did the universal finger and thumb rolling action.

The first shop owner shouted ‘no’ and pointed to the door. The second just said ‘out’ before looking over and nodding at a makeshift security guard to assist.

I just as well had been wearing a T-shirt saying ‘Mexi-can lick my b*lls’ for the reaction it got.

I tried a few North American-style corner shops but still nothing.

Even the tobacconists drew a blank, and a frown.

And then it dawned on me why I got the initial reaction.

People over here, and in the US, simply do not smoke roll ups.

So when people see me rolling a cigarette they immediately think I’m rolling a joint.

“Marijuana?!” has been shouted in my direction more than once.

Followed quickly by a look of disgust.

One of Jacky’s friends believes it’s only a matter of time before I actually get arrested.

I was beginning to give up on the search until someone half suggested some downtown tattoo parlour come jewellery shop.

We trekked across town and eventually found the place. I honestly didn’t know whether I was going to get lucky or emerge with a dodgy facial piercing and inappropriate spider web tattoo.

I asked the question again ‘tienes… um…’ cue finger and thumb roll.

‘No’ was the reply.

But then a kind of wink-wink nudge nudge action occurred and I was led through the back of the shop. The owner or manager took out a large set of keys and slowly and carefully unlocked a steel-barred door.

‘What the f*ck have I just asked for’ I thought as I was led into the dimly-lit back room.

And there in the back, displayed almost picture-perfectly on a glass shelf were a few packs of rolling papers.

“Amazing,” I said excitedly.

“30 pesos,” came the response.

Er… nearly £2 per pack?!

Oh what the hell. Money can buy me love.

Mission accomplished.

On the way back home on the outskirts of TJ, it dawned on me the number of pharmacies dotted around the place similar in frequency to the number of Spar shops in the UK.

They are literally everywhere.

Mas barata: 24-hour pharmacies for drugstore cowboys

Of course the reason is that neither Mexico, or indeed the US, has a National Health Service.

Instead they have countless pharmacies, and doctor and dental practices battling it out for business.

Seriously, in the UK the average Boots shop is pretty large but over here they have like ‘mega’ pharmacies with daily deals on pills and potions.

It’s almost surreal to see some boasting ‘24-hour’ service. I mean, 24-hour kebab shops, 24-hour Tesco… 24-hour Superdrug?! Weird.

But I guess when you’re ill, you’re ill.

Jacks tells me that Mexico, specifically TJ, has something called ‘medical tourism’ which is a large part of the city’s economy.

Every day thousands of Americans cross the border into Mexico simply to buy medicine because it’s cheaper than the US.

Anyhow, I’m off for a smoke.